Of course we couldn’t just let a Halloween slide by without having a little fun, so we called our friends over at Smoky Mountain Knife Works (SMKW) and asked if they could run through their massive inventory and find Jason Voorhees a “machete upgrade.” Here’s what they came up with. Editor’s Note: Jason has not tested any of these yet, but we think he’d love them. We’ve arranged these in price from highest to lowest.
Condor Warlock Machete – $79.99
Features: 1075 high carbon steel blade, Epoxy powder coating finish, Micarta handle, triple brass rivets, lanyard hole, and 12-3/4″ Blade (3/16″ thick). 19-1/8″ overall and comes with a leather belt sheath. Made in El Salvador.
Editor’s Note: We liked the idea that Jason Voorhees would carry a “Warlock” machete, thus combining two genres.
Ontario Spec Plus Machete – $64.99
Features: 1095 carbon steel, epoxy powder coated blade, kraton handle, 10″ blunt tip blade. 15-1/8″ overall and comes with a cordura/leather sheath. Made in the USA.
CRKT Halfachance Parang – $37.99
The Halfachance is a beefy fixed blade survival parang designed by award-winning custom knifemaker Ken Onion to be tough, strong and work like an ox. Features: Black powder-coated 65Mn carbon steel blade, double injection molded polypropylene handle with TPR overmold, multiple lanyard holes for varied grip options, 14-3/8″ Drop point parang blade (1/16″ thick). 19-1/2″ overall and includes a reinforced nylon sheath with velcro belt loop system. Extra lanyard included. Made in China.
Editor’s Note: Halfachance, more like “notachance” when Jason is swinging it.
Gerber Bear Grylls Compact Parang – $29.99
A veteran adventurer like Bear Grylls might be able to clear a trail with a full-size machete as easily as most people trim their fingernails. For the rest of us, a weekend spent swinging a big blade like that is a quick way to make enemies with a whole set of shoulder muscles you never knew you had. Which is why Gerber paired down the Bear Grylls Compact Parang to a more packable, convenient size. Modeled after the tool Indonesian tribesman have carried into the jungles for generations, the Compact Parang is Gerber’s shoulder-friendly answer to the standard, full-size machete. By combining Gerber’s decades of experience crafting tools and Bear Grylls adventure knowledge, this stout, sturdy blade acts like a lumberjack on the trail and a surgeon around camp. It can whack through thick grass and woody brush all day, then chop vegetables and whittle a fire starter by night. Features: Full tang 1055 high carbon steel, ergonomically textured polyproplene rubber handle, lanyard cord, and 9-3/16″ blade (1/8″thick). 15-3/32″ overall and includes a mildew resistant ballistic nylon sheath with land to air resuce signals on the back and storage for Bear’s Priorities of Survival Pocket Guide (included). Made in China.
Editor’s Note: And if Jason Voorhees is ever lost at Camp Crystal Lake, he’ll have Bear’s Pocket Guide to help him out.
Cold Steel Royal Kukri Machete – $29.99
Cold Steel President Lynn C Thompson has been exploring the potential of the Kukri for over two decades. It’s hard to find a more versatile knife. A stalwart ally in a tight spot and an indispensable survival tool, a good Kukri is truly apocalypse proof! When he chose to design a new Kukri Lynn looked to his many hours fighting in Cold Steel’s training facility for inspiration. Lynn and his team invested their own blood, sweat and tears, endlessly sparring with different prototypes looking for ways to improve upon this already near perfect design. Lynn recognized that many of the qualities that make a great fighting knife also make a great bushcraft tool. A sharp blade, strong tip, good hand protection and a versatile handle are all key. Stripping the Kukri back to its bare basics he then redesigned the knife from the ground up. The re-imagined blade was presented at an entirely new angle, keeping the cutting power that made the Kukri the stuff of legend, but increasing its thrusting and piercing power. The handle with its integral guard kept the user’s precious digits safe from harm while changing the balance and heft of the knife considerably. The result was christened the Royal Kukri Features: 1055 carbon steel blade, texturized polypropylene handle, and 15-1/2″ blade (1/8″ thick). 21″ overall and comes with a Cor-Ex sheath. Made in South Africa.
SOG 18″ Sogfari Machete – $19.99
Machetes are one of the more useful edged tools in the world. They have cleared brush and blazed trails, they have chopped wood and made shelters, harvested crops, prepared meals, hunted and protected. Careful attention has been given to the SOGfari Machete to make sure that the weight was right and the handle is forgiving during extended use. SOG added a real working saw on the back of the blade with teeth that cut deep. Extended out of the back of the handle is a spiked tang for pounding and scraping. SOGfari is the go-to tool for survival, exploration and adventure! Features: High carbon steel blade with sawback spine, black powder coated finish, black Kraton handle, lanyard hole, and an 18″ blade (1/16″ thick). 24″ overall and includes nylon sheath. Made in China.
Editor’s Note: The notion that Jason Voorhees would carry something called a SOGfari is more than fantastic. The legend could only improve.
Marble’s Large Workhorse Jungle Machete – $14.99
Features: fire-hardened carbon steel blade with Marble’s orange coating and flexible temper grooves, wooden handle with triple brass rivets, and paracord wrapping, full tang construction, lanyard hole, and 17-5/8″ blade (1/8″ thick). 23-7/8″ overall and includes a nylon belt sheath with utility pocket and sharpening stone. Made in El Salvador by people who know how to survive in the jungle!
Editor’s Note: It’s the almost “blaze” orange we liked here. Safety first, Jason. Safety first!
Marble’s Black Camo Machete – $12.99
Features: fire-hardened carbon steel blade with black and grey camo coating, black composition handle with roughened texture for grip, and paracord wrapping, full tang construction, lanyard hole, and 14-1/8″ blade (1/8″ thick). 20-1/4″ overall and includes a nylon belt sheath with utility pocket and sharpening stone. Made in El Salvador by people who know how to survive in the jungle!
Z-Hunter Cordwrapped Kukri – $11.99
Features: Black coated stainless steel construction with a sawback spine, cord-wrapped handle, lanyard hole with cord, and an 11-1/2″ Blade (1/8″ thick). 16-3/4″ overall and comes with a nylon belt sheath. Made in China.
Editor’s Note: Jason Voorhees, Z-Hunter. Yassss!